I thought by giving him some ideas or checking to see how things were looking that I was helping him but everytime I ask him he gets definsive and doesn't want to talk about it and we end up getting in a fight. Since I got my degree in Communications I like to communicate which means i like to talk about our problems and like most men, Mr. Lopez doesnt. The whole 7 years that we dated, I never really cared about being the Best Girlfriend ever but now that we are married I really want to try to be the Best Wife I can be. I have really been having a hard time with this. I have so many different thought going on in my head and I will admit most of them are pretty selfish and then i feel guilty.
For example, I wanted to have my first baby when I'm 27 and in four months I am going to be turning 26! My goal is not looking really realistic right now and it saddens me. I wanted us to enjoy our first year of being married and do some things before we started to have kids and that hasn't turned out the way i wanted it. My first year of marriage so far is looking to be one of the hardest that we've ever had together. Anyways I can across this article from back in February and thought it might help.
6 Ways to Support Your Spouse
1. Learn about the different types of support in marriage. In Lawrence’s study, four kinds of support were identified: physical comfort and emotional support (listening and empathizing, taking your spouse’s hand, giving your spouse a hug), esteem support (expressing confidence in your partner, providing encouragement), informational support (giving advice, gathering information), and tangible support (taking on responsibilities so your spouse can deal with a problem, helping to brainstorm solutions to a problem).
2. Figure out the type of support your spouse needs. Just like there are different ways of giving and receiving love in relationships, there are different ways of giving and receiving support in marriage. For instance, your husband may feel most supported when you find and share information about saving money on medical care costs. In contrast, you might feel supported when your spouse does extra chores around the house. To cope with money problems in marriage, ask your spouse how he or she gives and receives support. Don’t guess!
3. Avoid giving too much “informational support.” The results of the University of Iowa study showed that too much informational support – usually in the form of unwanted advice-giving – is the most detrimental. Lawrence says husbands and wives can’t go wrong with esteem support. So, encourage your spouse by expressing confidence that you will overcome your money problems together.
4. Don’t assume that your spouse needs a particular type of support. “The assumption is that men just want to be left alone and women want to be held and listened to,” Lawrence said. “In reality, different men want different kinds of support, and different women want different kinds of support.” Also, remember that spouses may appreciate different types of support at different times of the day, week, or month.
5. Ask for the type of support you need. Talking about your marriage and money problems is key to a happy, healthy relationship! If you need support, ask for it – and be specific about the type of support you’d like. Don’t assume your spouse knows how to help you through these financial difficulties. Afterward, talk about what worked and what didn’t, and adjust accordingly.
6. Remember that it’s the effort that counts. Don’t give up if you’re not immediately successful at supporting your spouse. “Both parties are more satisfied if the husband gets the right kind of support, and if the wife feels like she’s supported,” Lawrence said. “Husbands shouldn’t throw their hands up if they’re not sure what to do. They need to stay in there and keep trying, because we found that women appreciate the effort.”
Is there anyone else out there going or been through this same thing before?
My fiance lost his job a while back, and it was hard to support him, without making him feel inferior or bad about himself! I think it's just a low-blow to the self-esteem for guys to lose a job! Maybe instead of talking to him about the job, you can just do little supportive things, like write him a cute note in the morning or buy him one of his favorite treats from the chocolate store (I like to make T chocolate covered strawberries and give him a foot massage).
ReplyDeleteI've also had a million people tell me that no longer how long you dated your husband, that the first year of marriage is always the hardest!
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ReplyDeleteThe first year is definitely the hardest, no matter what. T and I went to a counselor in our 2nd year of marriage to try to get back on track. and we currently still see the same family counselor for the last few years - we check in with him every few months to get "reminders" of how to communicate with each other.
ReplyDeleteIt is also very very true that just because you are married, doesn't mean that the other person needs the same kind of support you want. T is also not a talker about feelings (but I'm pretty sure that's a general guy thing). And unfortunately the answer isn't easy. I think the 6 ways to support listed above are a great way to start. Try each one until you find one that works. And then you still may have to tweak it or combine it with something else as you go along.
The thing is that it never stops. You have to continually work on the communication thing. and sometimes you have to be brave enough to ask for outside help as well.
Good luck, sweetie! *hugs*
I'm sorry! We all go through that at times... although I'm not married yet, I too want to be the best wife I can be, and starting now as a fiance :) That was a great article! Things will get better with time!
ReplyDelete